Last year for Love Your Pet Day I penned a completely heartfelt but somewhat cheeky letter to my dogs, making them some promises for the future. I can’t even believe this myself, but this year they’ve responded! I had no idea Anika could even spell anything other than her own name, the word “walk” and the word “bacon” but I should’ve known – she is a Border Collie after all.
And sweet, gentle Billy… Sometimes I get the distinct impression that the lights are on but nobody’s home. I’ve heard whispers from the dogs down at the park describing him as being “a few fries short of a Happy Meal” and “not the sharpest tool in the shed”. Harsh but fair, unfortunately. I adore the big goofy lump, and there’s no doubting he’s one of a kind, but, yeah… So, while Billy didn’t contribute to writing the letter, he helped out as best he could, in his own special way.
Hey guys! Wanna bark at some birds with me?
Billy and I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your gracious and kind letter, dated 19th of February, 2015. We were deeply touched by the sentiments expressed and promises made. I even saw Billy shed a tear, but then I remembered I’d eaten both my dinner and his. Now I don’t wish to appear ungrateful, but I feel the time is right to bring the promises you made back to the table for discussion. And some bacon. Bring that to the table too.
Promise #1 – “I Promise to Remember to Feed You”
In theory I will admit you have kept your word on this. Yes, you bring out our meals in shiny silver dishes at approximately 6 pm every day, but nonetheless I have a bone to pick with you. Oh wait, I don’t. And therein lies the problem. Give a dog a bone, woman! You know how much pleasure it brings me to gnaw then dig then bury then dig then gnaw. It’s almost as fabulous as pressing my nose hard up against the local fire hydrant and furiously devouring its heady scents, but not quite as fabulous as finding a big fresh plop of horse manure to roll in. Or eat. Yummy.
Oh yeah… Those were the days!
Promise #2 – “I Promise to Defend Your Right to Dig Holes”
I wish to congratulate you on your mad skills in preventing Darren from filling my luxurious holes with dirt and grass seeds; it really is a nuisance having to begin all over again. The holes are very strategically placed around the lawn, for optimal dirt-bathing, treasure caching, and other such canine proclivities (you wouldn’t understand).
I made dis
I do need to draw something to your attention, however, and I do feel quite churlish doing so after all the great work you’ve done.
It’s the children.
I know you love them and for that I am willing to turn a blind eye to many things. I allow them to play with my toys and drink from my bowl, but can you please, please get them to stop filling my glorious holes with water? I like to roll around and scratch my back in dirt, and occasionally grass, but never mud.
My God, small human! What have you done!
Promise #3 – “I Promise to Respect Your Dignity”
Look mum, I know you have a good and kind heart, I do. But a picture is worth 1000 words, and, and I need you to stop telling these tales of deep humiliation and shame. I can’t even look Barry the Chihuahua in the eye any more. He’s seen things, man.
And one more thing…
This is a delicate subject, but, well, it’s the cat. What in the actual heck, mum? One minute I’m just chillaxing with Billy in the backyard, thinking about how weird ants are and how they smell funny when I squash them with my nose, and the next thing I know there’s this wannabe “lord of the house” feline staring me down through the window. He looked at me, then he turned and I kid you not, licked his own backside. Then he looked at me again – and that furry face was so smug!
Just look at him!
After a brief snooze in the sun I realised that he is much smaller than I and poses no threat, so I entered the house to investigate.
He leapt at me.
It was as though this small silky purring machine with yellow eyes had suddenly become a living and very angry cactus. It was monstrous.
Weeks passed, then months, and as the seasons changed, we went from arch enemies, to regular enemies, to frenemies, and now we are cool, bro.
Except for one thing.
You need to tell him to stop giving me the evil eye. I know you say that’s just his face, but it’s not, and it gives me the heebie jeebies.
Anyway, all this writing is making me hungry, I think I’ll go and eat some grass.
Mmmm, my favourite – fescue!
But I just want to close with one last thing.
I love you.
Oh, and Billy asked me to tell you that he likes gargees and flooptas. I don’t know what that means. He also requested access to the cat’s litter tray.
So what do you think your pets would say to you if they could talk?
For a fabulous Love Your Pet Day letter from the pooches over at Puppy Tales to their furmum Kerry, click here!